Forsakened?

WARNING: This post is lengthy. It may also be offensive to those with strong religious convinctions. Proceed with plenty of free time and caution. 

"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

                                                                                                                (Matthew 27:45-46)

I'll start by saying that I don't know what I believe about the existence of God. I believe in fate, and I believe in some sort of universal energy -- do those count as God? Can you believe in God "a little bit"?

Anyway, one of my hobbies here in NYC is walking. Not in a mall-walker-in-a-windsuit way, but in a Holden-Caulfield-roams-the-city-and-wonders-about-the-ducks way. Most of my close friends know that I struggle with depression, and honestly, walking is a wonder drug. During these walks, I like to chit-chat with God, who might be, at the very least, a good imaginary friend, if not Lord and Master of the Universe. Maybe that's His whole purpose: to be company when no one else wants to be around you. Some dude way back in the day was upset that he was never invited to parties, could never get a date, was never considered smart or attractive, and thus he decided to create his own Ultimate Friend. The other lonely freaks and geeks saw how much happier that dude was ("Dude, God and I just played laser-tag -- it was frickin' sweeeeeet!" "I can't come help with the mysterious wall paintings today, guys; God and I are catching that new Danny Glover flick." "Hahaha, OMG wow, yesterday, God said the FUNNIEST thing!") and followed suit.

So I'm walking around the other day. Just me, my iPod, and my friend Silent God. When we started out, I looked to Him for comfort. But all of a sudden, I became enraged. What the hell, GOD? I am a nice person. I try my best to not lose faith in You. I end each day by thanking you for all of the wonderful people you've surrounded me with. I attempt to put the rules You've given us in all religious texts into action -- I treat people the way I'd want to be treated, I try to fulfill my dharma by doing what I feel is the right thing. I know you say that we should act righteously without seeking rewards, but you know what? I'm a little tired of it. It's like spending a whole year paying for a personal trainer, doing EXTRA workouts, eating healthfully, and still not seeing results. Why can't SOME things just work out the way I want them to? I know, I know, "You can't always get what you want, but... you get what you need." In the end, I think I'll believe that life was great and that it all worked out for the best, but until then the anxiety and confusion are difficult to justify. What have I done to You, God, that You feel the need to keep me lonely/depressed/disillusioned?

And then I felt horrible. REALLY? Who am I to be upset with God?? What the hell do I know?? And what responsibility does God have to keep me happy? And how do I know He isn't keeping me happy? I'm not stupid enough to think that my life is any worse than anyone else's. My family is healthy, I am in NYC, I'm not hungry and on the streets. Who the hell do I think I am, and what right do I have to feel so shafted? Seriously, I wonder what my life would be like if He/She/It really wanted to screw me over.

At the same time... basics are great, but what about the accoutrements that make life special? Why have I been administered a few extra doses of Crazy? Why is it that no matter how many different methods I try, I still can't seem to deal with the simple issues that life throws my way? What about love?

Right now, I sound utterly stupid, selfish, arrogant, inane, ungrateful. You're reading this and thinking "It's all perspective! YOU have the power to change these things! Look at what's important in life!"

Sorry to sound rude here, but D'UH. It's just that whenever I think about changing my outlook, I am reminded of a poem by William Blake: "The Chimney Sweeper." The chimney sweeper is a child who, along with other children, has been subjected to lives of soot and hard work, a life that lacks the innocence of childhood. The chimney sweeper has a sweeper friend, Tom Dacre, who keeps trying to justify all of the terrible things they've had to live through. Tom has a dream that he and the other child-sweepers are asleep in black coffins when an angel suddenly appears and unlocks the coffins, delivering the kids unto green plains, clouds, and sunshine. Here's the rest of the poem:

And the Angel told Tom, if he'd be a good boy,
He'd have God for his father & never want joy.

And so Tom awoke and we rose in the dark
And got with our bags & our brushes to work.
Tho' the morning was cold, Tom was happy & warm
So if all do their duty, they need not fear harm. 

Basically, it's fine if they're miserable now because they'll be rewarded in heaven. When I taught this poem to my students, we'd always discuss whether that's enough of a reason for these sweepers to not demand better lives for themselves. Are we never supposed to want better for ourselves and demand more from life just because if we don't, we'll MAYBE be rewarded in Heaven? And that's assuming there IS a heaven at all.

But I really have been given a lot in this life. And if there's only so much good karma to go around, and mine is going towards keeping my family members happy and healthy, that's enough for me.

I don't know. I'm confused.